15-0605

Enlisted Staff
Neurosurgery Clinic, WRNMMC

Orders 2.0

------- ULTIMATE ACTIVITY (S) -------
REPORT NOT LATER THAN 14 JAN 14 EDA: 14 JAN 14
TO NNMC BETHESDA1 EMF 150 DET UIC: [redacted]
PERMANENT DUTY STATION BETHESDA, MD
FOR DUTY ACC: 100
ASSIGNED RATE: HM3 DNEC1: 0000 DNEC2: PRD: 1701
- PERSONNEL ACCOUNTING SUPPORT: PERSUPPDET BETHESDA MD
UIC: [redacted]
- WELCOME TO THE NATIONAL NAVAL MEDICAL CENTER IN BETHESDA, MARYLAND.

On to the next one.

13-0531

Baby's First Crow.

12-0918

Barracks life.

Evaluation #1

Who Knew

Enlisted Customer Service Representative, Medsurg Ward
Naval Hospital Bremerton

Dreams Old Men Dream

As time continues forth, I've come to the realization that I no longer rely on putting my complex thoughts down on paper to make sense of the chaotic turmoil in my head.

I've done it so much before, possess countless journals (hardcopies or otherwise) where I spent tireless hours furiously writing to figure out the complexities of human nature that plagued me in my waking hours.

Now, years and years later, my thoughts are no longer documented as often as they once were, and there can be many possibilities for this:

- I no longer possess complex thoughts. Having figured out much of what ailed me prior through countless entries of analyses and rambling, I have worked through all the juvenile issues of my youth and am now ready to move on in life, equipped by my newfound emotional maturity that my therapeutic journal writing has bestowed upon me.

- I am simply content now to express my thoughts in 140 characters or less. With the advent of Facebook, Twitter, and smartphones, release of the issues that plague me in my everyday life is simply just a button away. No longer do I find myself chewing over a problem in my mind over and over again till it becomes nothing but mere gristle as I wait to acquire some sort of medium to express these anguished thoughts. A short status update of what bothers me has become the default mode of expression, made available to other inquiring minds with an open invitation to provide their own two cents. And the character limit has wired me in a manner than I can now effectively communicate my troubles by narrowing it down to its pure, concrete essence.

- I've finally come to the realization that there is no audience on the other side of the curtain. Forms of self-expression, to me, anyway, are only gratifying if there is someone else their to sympathize with my personal growth, the trials and tribulations that I face in life. Self-satisfaction has never proven enough for me to serve as some sort of reward for my thoroughly-documented journey of self-reflection, my deep-rooted desire for praise and attention being my primary motivation behind every calculated action I perform. If it does not satiate my urgent need to be in the spotlight for even just a moment, why waste the energy on the effort?

- - -

Upon realizing all of this, only one lyric from a song by the Cold War Kids pops up in my mind to summarize what I've learned:

Thought I was built like a building's built: on concrete and stone.
Then I realized I'm just a hack actor, finished playing my role.

Transition

View from the seventh deck of Naval Hospital Bremerton.

As I move through the indoctrination phase of my staff check-in procedures here at the hospital, I'm slowly but surely feeling the sense of settling creeping in.

I'm becoming a little more familiar with navigating the hospital, and the relaxed atmosphere puts me at ease after having just came from two training commands upon entry into the military, where all I did was serve as the receiving end of being force-fed information and get yelled at by higher-ups.

The area, after some exploring, is becoming familiar, as well, albeit still limited. My appreciation for my new setting increases more and more as the area unfolds and I discover more of its territories and natural majesties, but this is only limited to what I can find in the daytime, and unfortunately the darkness rolls in early.

Sure, it has it downfalls. There is not much in terms of attractions or shops I'd like to visit in the surrounding area, and where I am living now is quite a way's away from the commissary and the NEX, nor is there an accessible standard taxicab service to call upon like Fort Sam Houston.

The accomodations and central location of Fort Sam have spoiled me, and I terribly miss the ease of access of that base. Things here in Bremerton, since I'm not living on the actual Navy base, are much farther away, and much more challenging to get to without access to a personal vehicle.

I guess the need to be able to drive and possess a car is even more urgent now, and hopefully that will be my motivation to acquire those things as soon as possible.

I'm getting more excited to see more of what the future holds the more I stay in this city.

I can't wait to visit Seattle and find my way back to the urban jungle.

I can't wait to experience working in the ward (MS5) or labor-and-delivery (4OB) and see what I can learn from it.

I can't wait to gather my bearings and get settled within this command.

I can't wait to explore the outdoors and see new things I otherwise would have never seen before.

I can't wait to go back to feeling on top again.

Panic

After getting settled in my new barracks here in Bremerton,WA, I decided to go pick up some necessities (i.e. Hot Pockets) at a nearby mini-mart.

This walk gave me some time to think.

Holy shit, what the hell am I doing?

What the fuck did I get myself into?

Why am I doing this?

When I'm in unfamiliar territory or have no idea what my next step on my To-Do List is, I panic.

When I panic, my immediate response is to fill myself with doubt and question everything that lead me to the reason why I'm panicking.

I need to keep reminding myself I'm doing this for my education. I'm doing this for free healthcare. I'm doing this for a stable paycheck. I'm doing this because my other options were a helluva lot worse.

But I can't seem to override my initial sense of panic over not being in control of every single aspect of my life at any given moment, no matter how much the logical, practical side of me pleads its case.

- - -

At some point during my walk, a sudden urge to just stop and weep overcame me.

As tempting as it sounded, I shook my head and forced myself to repeat aloud, Just one foot in front of the other, JB. Just one foot in front of the other.

And I kept on.

One foot in front of the other, till I got to where I needed to go.

Even still, the insistent urge to just cry over the overwhelming feeling of being lost kept at it, albeit more suppressed in the back of my mind.

Head up, and head out. You can get yourself out of this. Just keep your head up, and head out.

- - -

I hope some day soon, with a little more experience, I won't need to keep reminding myself that I am not a hopeless case.

Departure

To-do-list-wise, I'm ready to go for the morning.

Heart-wise, I'm not ready to leave my home again. :(

- - -

These past 10 days spent at home on leave went by so quickly.

It feels like there's still so many things left to do, but my time has run out.

Tomorrow morning, I'm hopping on that plane and starting my life over again.

I'm terrified.

I'm only humbly thankful that I've been given another chance to appreciate the holidays with my family.