Once again, I have no idea where my head's at.
I can tell you I'm anxious about my impending departure from the environment I've come to know for the last 4 months in favor of being moved to yet another location I know absolutely nothing about or how it operates.
Only this time, it's not a controlled situation where someone will be available at any given moment to hold my hand and walk me through the process. This time, I'm essentially on my own, with only my guide and my smarts to guide me, and honestly, I don't think I trust myself enough to walk myself through this new situation.
I'm full of self-doubt.
I have no idea where other people get the notion of me being a completely controlled, confident person. If it's all based on perception of my outward projection, then I should've been an actor.
Granted, it still feels as if I'm putting on a costume every time I put on my Navy uniform of the day, pretending I know exactly what it is I'm doing. Hopefully in time, with more experience and rank under my belt, this feeling will go away, but starting out as an E-1 (aka E-nobody) on the bottom of the food chain certainly doesn't help make the feeling of being a small fish in an ocean go away.
I miss the feeling of being Top Dog, of being the go-to person when someone had a question or needed something explained or being the one everyone else depended on and knew for sure could get the job done and done well.
Now I can only shrug my shoulders and timidly ask someone else higher ranking than myself for the answers to the questions that come at me every day, and I hate it.
I hate this feeling of hopelessness and not knowing all the answers.
I hate not being in control.
That's pretty much my problem in a nutshell.
And as long as I'm in the military, that will always be my problem.