Panic

After getting settled in my new barracks here in Bremerton,WA, I decided to go pick up some necessities (i.e. Hot Pockets) at a nearby mini-mart.

This walk gave me some time to think.

Holy shit, what the hell am I doing?

What the fuck did I get myself into?

Why am I doing this?

When I'm in unfamiliar territory or have no idea what my next step on my To-Do List is, I panic.

When I panic, my immediate response is to fill myself with doubt and question everything that lead me to the reason why I'm panicking.

I need to keep reminding myself I'm doing this for my education. I'm doing this for free healthcare. I'm doing this for a stable paycheck. I'm doing this because my other options were a helluva lot worse.

But I can't seem to override my initial sense of panic over not being in control of every single aspect of my life at any given moment, no matter how much the logical, practical side of me pleads its case.

- - -

At some point during my walk, a sudden urge to just stop and weep overcame me.

As tempting as it sounded, I shook my head and forced myself to repeat aloud, Just one foot in front of the other, JB. Just one foot in front of the other.

And I kept on.

One foot in front of the other, till I got to where I needed to go.

Even still, the insistent urge to just cry over the overwhelming feeling of being lost kept at it, albeit more suppressed in the back of my mind.

Head up, and head out. You can get yourself out of this. Just keep your head up, and head out.

- - -

I hope some day soon, with a little more experience, I won't need to keep reminding myself that I am not a hopeless case.