Transition

View from the seventh deck of Naval Hospital Bremerton.

As I move through the indoctrination phase of my staff check-in procedures here at the hospital, I'm slowly but surely feeling the sense of settling creeping in.

I'm becoming a little more familiar with navigating the hospital, and the relaxed atmosphere puts me at ease after having just came from two training commands upon entry into the military, where all I did was serve as the receiving end of being force-fed information and get yelled at by higher-ups.

The area, after some exploring, is becoming familiar, as well, albeit still limited. My appreciation for my new setting increases more and more as the area unfolds and I discover more of its territories and natural majesties, but this is only limited to what I can find in the daytime, and unfortunately the darkness rolls in early.

Sure, it has it downfalls. There is not much in terms of attractions or shops I'd like to visit in the surrounding area, and where I am living now is quite a way's away from the commissary and the NEX, nor is there an accessible standard taxicab service to call upon like Fort Sam Houston.

The accomodations and central location of Fort Sam have spoiled me, and I terribly miss the ease of access of that base. Things here in Bremerton, since I'm not living on the actual Navy base, are much farther away, and much more challenging to get to without access to a personal vehicle.

I guess the need to be able to drive and possess a car is even more urgent now, and hopefully that will be my motivation to acquire those things as soon as possible.

I'm getting more excited to see more of what the future holds the more I stay in this city.

I can't wait to visit Seattle and find my way back to the urban jungle.

I can't wait to experience working in the ward (MS5) or labor-and-delivery (4OB) and see what I can learn from it.

I can't wait to gather my bearings and get settled within this command.

I can't wait to explore the outdoors and see new things I otherwise would have never seen before.

I can't wait to go back to feeling on top again.

Panic

After getting settled in my new barracks here in Bremerton,WA, I decided to go pick up some necessities (i.e. Hot Pockets) at a nearby mini-mart.

This walk gave me some time to think.

Holy shit, what the hell am I doing?

What the fuck did I get myself into?

Why am I doing this?

When I'm in unfamiliar territory or have no idea what my next step on my To-Do List is, I panic.

When I panic, my immediate response is to fill myself with doubt and question everything that lead me to the reason why I'm panicking.

I need to keep reminding myself I'm doing this for my education. I'm doing this for free healthcare. I'm doing this for a stable paycheck. I'm doing this because my other options were a helluva lot worse.

But I can't seem to override my initial sense of panic over not being in control of every single aspect of my life at any given moment, no matter how much the logical, practical side of me pleads its case.

- - -

At some point during my walk, a sudden urge to just stop and weep overcame me.

As tempting as it sounded, I shook my head and forced myself to repeat aloud, Just one foot in front of the other, JB. Just one foot in front of the other.

And I kept on.

One foot in front of the other, till I got to where I needed to go.

Even still, the insistent urge to just cry over the overwhelming feeling of being lost kept at it, albeit more suppressed in the back of my mind.

Head up, and head out. You can get yourself out of this. Just keep your head up, and head out.

- - -

I hope some day soon, with a little more experience, I won't need to keep reminding myself that I am not a hopeless case.

Departure

To-do-list-wise, I'm ready to go for the morning.

Heart-wise, I'm not ready to leave my home again. :(

- - -

These past 10 days spent at home on leave went by so quickly.

It feels like there's still so many things left to do, but my time has run out.

Tomorrow morning, I'm hopping on that plane and starting my life over again.

I'm terrified.

I'm only humbly thankful that I've been given another chance to appreciate the holidays with my family.

Control

Once again, I have no idea where my head's at.

I can tell you I'm anxious about my impending departure from the environment I've come to know for the last 4 months in favor of being moved to yet another location I know absolutely nothing about or how it operates.

Only this time, it's not a controlled situation where someone will be available at any given moment to hold my hand and walk me through the process. This time, I'm essentially on my own, with only my guide and my smarts to guide me, and honestly, I don't think I trust myself enough to walk myself through this new situation.

I'm full of self-doubt.

I have no idea where other people get the notion of me being a completely controlled, confident person. If it's all based on perception of my outward projection, then I should've been an actor.

Granted, it still feels as if I'm putting on a costume every time I put on my Navy uniform of the day, pretending I know exactly what it is I'm doing. Hopefully in time, with more experience and rank under my belt, this feeling will go away, but starting out as an E-1 (aka E-nobody) on the bottom of the food chain certainly doesn't help make the feeling of being a small fish in an ocean go away.

I miss the feeling of being Top Dog, of being the go-to person when someone had a question or needed something explained or being the one everyone else depended on and knew for sure could get the job done and done well.

Now I can only shrug my shoulders and timidly ask someone else higher ranking than myself for the answers to the questions that come at me every day, and I hate it.

I hate this feeling of hopelessness and not knowing all the answers.

I hate not being in control.

That's pretty much my problem in a nutshell.

And as long as I'm in the military, that will always be my problem.

11-1214: Fort Sam Houston, TX




This is one thing I'll take away from my time here: my favorite view from the smoke pit.

Schadenfreude

"Gloating at somebody else's bad luck.

Malicious or smug pleasure taken in somebody else's misfortune."

 (source, via)

Tumbleweed

I'm torn.

Despite the fact that all throughout A-School, knowing in my heart of hearts, all I ever really wanted was to go to Psych Tech C-School immediately after graduating, there but existed in me a small glimmer of regret that I did not choose fleet orders like the rest of my class.

I want to see the world, especially when travel and lodging is put up by someone else's dime.

Even though I relish in familiarity and established foundations, I want to live in a different city than the one I spent 20 years in.

I left it for a reason, no?

Before I left, did I not frequently complain that my surroundings have gone stale, that it had no longer anything left to offer me?

So why wish to return?

Why not expand my horizons, especially now that I'm still relatively young and unattached? When I still have the luxury of being a tumbleweed and going wherever the wind takes me?

I do want to settle down.

I do want a permanent place of my own, to find a spot and sleep soundly at night knowing that wherever I go, however far Life decides to take me, there will always exist a small piece of land that I will for the rest of my life know only as "HOME."

But for now, I have the privilege to broaden my understanding and experiences in this world for this short life. Why not take it and enjoy the journey? Accept the hand that I've been given and play it to my advantage?

Why not?

PS #11-1211

I've made a lot of mistakes in this life, and some I'm still paying for dearly.

Forgiveness for others is usually not where the problem lies. If genuine remorse is shown, the deed is forgiven, if not all together forgotten.

But because I expect so much of myself, moreso than anyone ever will, it's hard to accept the fact that I am not—nor will I ever be—a perfect person.

Orders

------- ULTIMATE ACTIVITY (S) -------
REPORT NOT LATER THAN 30 DEC 11 EDA: 30 DEC 11
TO NH BREM EMF DET UIC: [redacted]
PERMANENT DUTY STATION BREMERTON, WA
FOR DUTY ACC: 100
ASSIGNED RATE: HN DNEC1: 0000 DNEC2: PRD: 1312
PERSONNEL ACCOUNTING SUPPORT: PERSONNEL SUPPORT DET KITSAP
UIC: [redacted]
- CONGRATULATIONS AND WELCOME ABOARD NAVAL HOSPITAL BREMERTON (NHB), WASHINGTON

"That's gotta be a mistake."

It's the first thing that popped into my head as soon as I checked my orders and found that tagged at the bottom, right after my orders to attend Hospital Corpsman A-School.

After weeks of anticipating going to Behavioral Health (Psych Tech) C-School after A-School and waiting all this time for it to post in my orders, this is what I've been handed instead.

I want to scream.

I want to throw things.

I want to cry over the unjustness of it all.

I passed all the tests, did all the labs, graduated on the Dean's List, got to pick 5th out of the 100 or so people in my graduating class, and all I ever really wanted was to go to Psych Tech school to jump start my future career in Clinical Psychology, and now they take that away from me... twice.

First time was to fill seats for Bio-Med Tech school, but at the last minute they dropped it since I was so close to graduating.

Now this.

Not fair.

Not fair not fair not fair.

I wasted all this time, all this hope, all this ambition.

And for what?

I can kick and scream all I want, but at the end of the day, I signed a contract to be a part of the United States Navy, and now they call all the shots to my life.

As much as I want to be as dramatic and anguished about the unfairness of it all, I know the only way to deal with this is to put on my big boy pants and accept my fate.

But still, fuck you.

"We Are Young"

The angels never arrived,
but I can hear the choir.
So will someone come and carry me home?

I regret my past decisions.

I was not a happy person at the time I made them.

I burnt bridges. I set fire to all that I ever knew in hopes of starting over, of starting off my new life with a clean slate.

I know there's no going back to the way things were with any of them, and I don't wish that they do. Paths have separated in different directions. There's too much water under the bridge now to ever return to how it was.

I'm not sorry for the way things ended up.

I just mourn all the possibilities that I chose to gave up.

Afraid

I'm afraid for a lot of things.

I'm afraid of all the missed opportunities in my life, of all the moments I took for granted, of all the moments I could have made better had I just tried a little harder.

There's a lot of regret mixed in with this feeling of ennui as I look back on my short life, of all those short-lived memories and experiences.

I should have provoked more.

I should have initiated things earlier.

I wonder, would my life be different now had I started some things sooner?

Of course, naturally, my life would be different. The real question is, Would I be happier?

What if I did tell him how I really felt about him?

What if I did let slip the truth that I truly did not despise him, am not filled with disgust for him, but felt more disgusted with myself for being in love with such a pitiful creature?

What if I had just shown him that I cared more than I ever let on, let those lingering stares just linger a little longer, reached out a gentle hand and caress the face, the body of the one I most adored?

What would have happened had I removed all inhibition, tore down the reservations I built around my motives and actions, just to show him the hint of the spark from the flame of the torch I carried for him?

Too little, too late now.

There's not much to do about that anymore, having handed our lives over to Fate and let the winds carry us where it may -- far apart from each other, too far to let these words that have now gone stale to mean anything more than when spoken at the first spark of passion.

- - -

I, too, am afraid of what's to come with the things I have left.

My first, real friendship with the most perfect person I could have ever imagined...

I do and forever will cherish the moments we've spent in our short-lived time together these past couple of years.

Fate has brought us together in the most blessed way, and I can never repay the debt owed for intertwining our lives like it has.

My only fear is that with the transient nature of this career I've chosen for myself, will it ever allow us to be together the way we were before?

I feel as though despite the fact that I've finally managed to lay my roots down and let them sink into the earth, my life can just as easily now be uprooted and torn away from all that I've worked so hard to attain, and that things will never be the same as they once were.

With this new direction I'm facing, I'm torn by the fact that I'm being led closer to where I really want to go in life, if it only means that I must lose everything else I've gained thus far.

I'm afraid of loss.

I'm afraid things will never be the way they were.

I'm afraid of giving all these things up in exchange for something less.

I'm afraid I wasted my youth and freedom in exchange for cashing in my adult ticket early.

Disappear

"She Went Quietly," by Charlie Winston

There's really not so much to tell.
She was 29 showing signs of doing well for herself.


She never spoke of feeling sad, is all so close with the family and friends she hides around her.


But she went quietly.


She didn't make a sound.
She went quietly with the wish not to be found.
She went quietly without a word of where.
Just a note that that wrote, "Forgetting is easier."


Years have fallen since the day she wrote the note and choose to float away into the ether.
Someone said they saw her south at the coast on the river's mouth -- but only briefly.


'Cause she went quietly.


She didn't make a sound.
She went quietly with the wish not to be found.
She went quietly without a word of where.
Just a note that wrote, "Forgetting is easier."


Hours of blue in the pouring rain to my doorstep, old and cold, today she came with her story.
I asked her in, but she declined.
Had just one single to get off her mind, and that was...


"Sorry."

Sometimes I just want to disappear and not come back.

To escape the ghosts of loneliness and solitude that haunt me in my waking hours.

The responsibilities I don't want to face.

The questions I don't want to answer.

The truths I don't want to believe.

To leave them before they leave me.