I'm afraid for a lot of things.
I'm afraid of all the missed opportunities in my life, of all the moments I took for granted, of all the moments I could have made better had I just tried a little harder.
There's a lot of regret mixed in with this feeling of ennui as I look back on my short life, of all those short-lived memories and experiences.
I should have provoked more.
I should have initiated things earlier.
I wonder, would my life be different now had I started some things sooner?
Of course, naturally, my life would be different. The real question is, Would I be happier?
What if I did tell him how I really felt about him?
What if I did let slip the truth that I truly did not despise him, am not filled with disgust for him, but felt more disgusted with myself for being in love with such a pitiful creature?
What if I had just shown him that I cared more than I ever let on, let those lingering stares just linger a little longer, reached out a gentle hand and caress the face, the body of the one I most adored?
What would have happened had I removed all inhibition, tore down the reservations I built around my motives and actions, just to show him the hint of the spark from the flame of the torch I carried for him?
Too little, too late now.
There's not much to do about that anymore, having handed our lives over to Fate and let the winds carry us where it may -- far apart from each other, too far to let these words that have now gone stale to mean anything more than when spoken at the first spark of passion.
- - -
I, too, am afraid of what's to come with the things I have left.
My first, real friendship with the most perfect person I could have ever imagined...
I do and forever will cherish the moments we've spent in our short-lived time together these past couple of years.
Fate has brought us together in the most blessed way, and I can never repay the debt owed for intertwining our lives like it has.
My only fear is that with the transient nature of this career I've chosen for myself, will it ever allow us to be together the way we were before?
I feel as though despite the fact that I've finally managed to lay my roots down and let them sink into the earth, my life can just as easily now be uprooted and torn away from all that I've worked so hard to attain, and that things will never be the same as they once were.
With this new direction I'm facing, I'm torn by the fact that I'm being led closer to where I really want to go in life, if it only means that I must lose everything else I've gained thus far.
I'm afraid of loss.
I'm afraid things will never be the way they were.
I'm afraid of giving all these things up in exchange for something less.
I'm afraid I wasted my youth and freedom in exchange for cashing in my adult ticket early.